I hit publish on the first edition of my workbook-devotional, Dear One I See You, on May 25th. I was so excited, absolutely thrilled and delighted! This is a dream come true; it is literally what I have wanted to do since I was fourteen. Of course, it’s a much different book than my high school self would have published. No magical, medieval romantic fantasy or perilous chases through the woods, but instead, deep soul-level work that would transform me, work that I get to share now on a global scale thanks to the beauty of self-publishing.
Holding this first proof copy in my hands shifted something in me. I felt so proud, like a new mom, of sorts. And I suppose I am in a way. Hours of labor, of growing and wrestling and cultivating something so personal and intimate, and now it’s just…out in the world, for people to look at. Judge. Read. Criticize… I try not to dwell on that too long.
But almost immediately after holding this finished work in my hands, I started feeling spiritual opposition. I was at a women’s conference, and I felt all these ugly, ugly thoughts and feelings bubbling up suddenly. Jealousy, bitterness, frustration, loneliness. I found comparison crashing into me, threatening to steal away the joy from my worship.
Why did she get a platform? Will I ever get to have one?
Will I ever get to dance again, to worship with the Signs of Praise ladies again? Will my body ever not hurt so much?
Does anyone even care about this book? Did I sacrifice and sprint to the finish for nothing?
I truly enjoyed the conference. I loved learning and worshipping and I made some great connections…but full transparency, I didn’t sell a single copy of this book. I gave away cards with free ebooks for two days; so far, no one’s downloaded them.
I felt frustrated and embarrassed. And I didn’t want to admit it. I didn’t want anyone to see this ugliness inside of me. Wasn’t I supposed to be more spiritually mature than this?
I had prayed so much about this book, about the hands it would end up in. And I felt sick about it. Had I been wrong? Had I misunderstood what the Lord wanted me to do?
The physical attacks hit next. After the conference, I ended up getting sick. I’ve been in bed for most of three days, just sick as a dog. Today’s the first day I have even felt remotely human.
The financial attacks hit after that. More than once today I’ve been contacted about bills, wrestling with financial fear, wondering what is even going on and what to do next.
I’ve had horrible nightmares, worse than I’ve had in ages, haunting trauma and fear that won’t go away, made worse by sickness and stress.
And tonight, as I sat down to breathe for a minute after tucking my kiddo in bed, I sat and prayed. And I heard the Lord whisper, “The enemy does not attack people who are not a threat.”
Well then. That reframes things. Because if that’s the case, I want to be a threat. I WANT TO BE A THREAT!!
I desperately want the Lord to reach others through me, and through this book. I want to share the Gospel through my life, through how I love others. Even if that means I have to die to self every single day, the ugly parts of myself on display— it doesn’t matter. All that matters is Jesus. All that matters is that He’s not done with me yet.
And He’s not done with YOU yet.
The enemy sees you, trying to be bold for Jesus, trying to live in freedom, and he HATES it. So let him hate it— do anything you can to live loudly for Jesus. Write that book. Make that friend. Do that job the best you can. Lay your pride down again and again. Because Jesus is worth it, every single time. And He adores you and is SO proud of you, right where you are.
That’s the reminder I needed myself— that this book was written and published right when He asked me to, and that when you go to war with the devil, expect to get some recoil. Brace for it, and keep moving forward. Jesus has you, I promise.
If you are a survivor of sexual abuse, and you are ready to take a stand nd take back what the enemy stole— welcome. This book is for you, and it is going to be such a great tool for all that Jesus is doing in your life. You can grab a copy now on Amazon, Gumroad, Barnes & Noble, and other retailers :)